There is a difficulty, almost as every day passes, to recall the excitement and drive that I had when I first arrived here.
It is the norm when unemployed apparently.
Darling tells me that it’s like I’m on holiday with no money.
(The worst kind of holiday there is.)
There is a lingering mundane feeling to each day now – no more buzz of being super excited to live in a new country.
It’s endless and seemingly useless waiting, with the anxiety over waiting taking over your brain at how this apparent wasting of time might affect your personality. As well as how permanent any changes could be.
This combination of anxiety and nerves slowly starts to erode any sense of self confidence you arrived with.
(With the awareness that upon my NIE application finally completing, that a new hell will descend, a terror in any and all countries regardless:
In a foreign country where for some strange reason you need to include a photo of yourself with your job applications?
Which is the most bizarre and intrusive thing I can imagine, and can imagine my friends back home being, in some way, disturbed by the idea of it.
And I am hyper aware that when I do get my NIE, then when I conquer my Job Hunt, and once I’m working and trying to enjoy my days off, and co-ordinate the moments I have off and Darling has off so that we can have share time with each other, that I will look back on these days full of nothing and regret wasting them.
So, I have decided to make a plan, to head out and try and act a little like I’m on holiday with a small amount of money.
And to be aware that it is not often in life that we end up unemployed in a new country, days stretching ahead of us to explore and spend at our leisure.
So I should probably try and turn my brain off momentarily.
Even if it’s just to walk around different parts of the city.
Maybe just to try and find a favourite place to eat on every Metro stop.
Or to spend my days working out exactly what clothes I can wear that don’t leave me, at some point in the day, sweating on the Metro.
In preparation for a definitely-not-English Summer.